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melissa

success! - an update. But he has ED...

a few months ago, I posted my story - that after 18 years of vaginismus, a life without penetrative sex (and such distress because of it!), that finally my vaginismus was cured.
And it was sudden. It just happened, after some months living with my loving, patient, understanding partner - and just relaxing into the moment, lots of lube, allowing some pain (but not the vaginismus kind, a different kind, not so bad) before my body relaxed into submission.
I now relax into penetrative lovemaking very quickly and we make love without lube - I'm enough. And we don't normally need much foreplay beforehand - it's like 18 years of frustration have built up and I have a libido like an 18 year old guy! I can now even climax through vaginal penetration & my favourite is missionary with him on top and in control.
Just wanted to (a) share my joy in the success and (b) give hope.

and (c) to share that after I finally cure vaginismus - I find out that my loving, patient, understanding partner has a problem of his own - erectile dysfunction. He can get it up - and keep it up - for 15 or 20 minutes. But he gradually fades again into nothing & can't climax inside me at all. He can really only come with masturbation, not penetration. No wonder he was patient!!! We just had a discussion today - told him I thought he had erectile dysfunction - it didn't go down well!! (He had been blaming my past vaginismus for his inability to sustain erections).  After I brought up the topic of ED, he started blaming me & my sexual inexperience (he's just as experienced) & my weight (he's just as overweight & he prefers curvy girls. & I'm not that overweight - size 14 top, size 18 bottom, ok I could lose a lot, but I still buy clothes in normal stores, not morbidly obese!). another factor- not discussed tonight is his size - his length is definitely on the small size (exacerbated by failing to keep a full erection) although girth is normal.  Anyway - i would be grateful if any one has any relevant thoughts & experiences to share?
admin

Well, first of all  any kind of sexual dysfunction is of course irrelevant if there is love between you two.   Now, if he starts blaming your inexperience and weight,  and you call it dysfunction,  THEN I see troubles and marital /couple "dysfunctions".

So, since you asked,  I hope he'll stop saying what he said to you and I'd suggest you stopped calling his a dysfunction. ED is the men's equivalent of vaginismus and vaginismus is NOT a dysfunction.
It's your body telling you a message and acting accordingly.

So the most loving thing you can do maybe is to help HIm find out what his body is telling him.

it sounds like you already figured out a few things:
1.  he's overweight, so he could maybe go vegan (or raw)  and get a lot healthier fast ?
2.  he's inexperienced, so just take your time, what's the rush? it could be fun..

PS Having a short penis shouldn't really have nothing to do with not being able to keep it up for longer than 15 minutes  (which is not too bad a time actually.. the average is 8 as far as I know...).

I think with time everything will settle if there's love really.  
You already accomplished a lot and it sounds like he's been very good during all this process.  

One last thing (and I'm not referring to you here but in general).
Your post reminds what we often say  (see our  So now what? article).
A  lot of couples who can't have sex think that once vaginismus is solved then their  "love life" will be ok.   Then they can have sex and realize that a lot of issues are either still there or new ones begin there.

That's because what really matters isn't sex, it's a deep connection, which is a lot harder to find than a good sex partner. And once you have that, then sex becomes totally irrelevant (which doesn't mean it disappears, though it may), it never becomes  "an issue".

Sorry, that was just for those who hadn't read our article on this.

Bye now

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