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Secondary Vaginismus - please help

Hi Gals, I wonder if you can help me? Sorry if this is lengthy..

3 and a half years ago I met my boyfriend who I am still with now, I am 22. The first time we had sex it was very pleasant but I was alarmed by the size of his penis. It is very long and very wide, which really does not help this problem. Trying not to be graphic about it, but its about 8 and a half inches long and about 2 inches in diameter. The width is probably the main problem.
I have had 6 sexual partners before him and sex has always been pleasant, not to the point where I would orgasm, but pleasant none the less. I was not brought up to be religious, and sex was not taboo in my family.

Anyway, the first 2 times me and my current boyfriend had sex it was nice, however the 3rd time, something went wrong. I still dont know what to this day, but I am guessing it was either a yeast infection (I am prone) or anticipation of his big penis, even though it didn't hurt the first 2 times.

Since that time, I have suffered from vaginismus. Its excruciating. Sometimes it feels like he has hit a brick wall, but most of the time he can get in, but it kills me. I dont get turned on and I dont produce lubrication.
When we do have sex, its not because I genuinely want it, its well, for his sake mainly, but also my desire to have painless sex. He is the kindest most gentle man I have ever known, and I kept the pain a secret for a long time, when he found out he was mortified that he had been causing me pain, and he will not have sex with me if he can sense I am just doing it for his sake.
I have been examined and there is nothing wrong down there. Which is another thing I think I should mention, I am fine with tampons, examinations, and a normal penis sized vibrator. It seems my problem is just him, and the fact that his penis is very big makes things a lot worse - physically and emotionally. I often wonder if I would tighten up if I had sex with someone else - if it is a sex thing, or its just him.

I am not sure if this is relevant, but I have recently been having incredibly erotic dreams where it is great, in my dreams I am so turned on there is an urgency to find a man to enter me, I am literally running around looking for a penis. When in real life its the exact opposite! I have also had 2 dreams where I have had great sex with my boyfriend - with one the dream his penis is normal sized.

At the moment we are having sex about once a month at most. I am really worried that I have left this too long to fix, and that it will never get better.

So I guess I was wondering if anyone has any ideas about how I should approach this problem, with my specific circumstances? I mean, I have thought about therapy but I know that sex isnt wrong, I know it can be pleasant, I adore the very person who is causing me pain, and I have researched and understand exactly what is wrong with me and what is happening inside..and yet this problem is 3 and a half years old and doesnt look like its going to get better.

Sorry for rambling,
I hope I havent missed anything important out.
Thankyou in advance,
Katie x

Hi Katie,
Your story is so similar to mine its spooky!!
I'm 26 and have been with my partner for 5 years, we had sex fine for three years and he is considerably larger than any other partner i've had. It was always very uncomfortable with him when it first went in, but for a while the pain would pass as we would continue.
Then things just changed and the pain got more intense as we continued.
I noticed after having a very painful exam, that the same pain occured when we had sex. I just got on with it like you did for a long time, because i thought it would get better. When my fella saw that i was grimacing he asked me if it hurt and was upset that i had just let it go on and not tell him.
We haven't had sex much for a long time now. I thought if i left it and tried every now and again, it might have gone away but it hasn't! and the fact that i'm never in the mood now means that theres no natural lubrication, and i don't 'open' up to let him in anymore.
I went to the docs and had every test under the sun to check for anything physical, including undertaking surgery. Now docs say i need therapy and have put me on a waiting list (i can't afford private) the last time i checked the list was over 5 months long. So i feel now that i'm in limbo, waiting for something to happen. My partner and i have agreed not to attempt to have sex until someone tells us its ok to try!!
From what i've read it seems that therapy is the way to go. I don't have any particular hang ups about intercourse either, i just think i need counselling to help me get out of the rut of expecting the pain and to spur me on to get better, if i was just to self treat, i'd probably end up not doing anything about it.
I too get the erotic dreams and wake up feeling quite turned on, but then freak out at the thought of instigating anything.
It's terribly frustrating.
Would you think about seeing a therapist? I don't know if you feel the same, but i'm very worried about having to talk about this stuff to someone face to face, i'm hoping when i do get round to seeing one, that they put me at ease and its easier to talk about it than it has been with the usual docs.
Your partner sounds very supportive, i hope you are able to find the help you need, vag is a very isolating problem, i think its best to seek out a professional and keep in touch with other sufferers. I find that if i try to bury my head about it, i start beating myself up and getting quite depressed. PM me if you want to talk at any time.
Best of luck honey, we'll beat it somehow!  Wink
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