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I have never ever heard of Vaginismus until yesterday.  So many of my symptoms are exactly described on your site, yet I have a few more that weren't mentioned, and I would love to get anyone's opinions or thoughts on my symptoms, and maybe just hear how you other ladies delt with this when you FIRST found out that something was "wrong" and it wasn't going to get better by "doing it more"...  Sad  I'm having a very hard time...
AND I can not believe I am about to write such personal stuff on the internet, but honestly, feeling like I need to TALK to someone who knows something!!!

I was a virgin at my wedding, one month ago and I went into it "knowing" that we would have some trouble with i/c but hoping I was wrong, (and genuinely believing the problem would sort itself out rather quickly).  The fact that it hasn't is what prompted me to do a search on sexual dysfunctions in women.

It took me four years of trying off and on (when the trying was off it was because I was terrifed) to insert a tampon, and I finally did learn to do it... however the first time the tampon refused to come back out (NOT a case of dry tampon!!) it was as tho it was trying to come back out a nostril! I actually couldn't get it out myself... no one has mentioned anything about things not comming OUT as a symptom... is that possibly vaginismus? On the bright side, I have used tampons exclusively for the last 6 years with no problems... (just not the big ones).

I have never had a physical, even before my wedding, because I am so scared to go... my husband will come with me if I need one now and I feel like that will help, because I don't think he will let anyone hurt me.  (the stories of drs who are totally unsympathetic to vaginismus suffers sound all too true to me).

On our honeymoon, we actaully did achieve penetration, but it took about ten days of trying, and then once we were "in" we couldn't do anything else!  I asked him what it was like when we were trying the first ten days, and he said it was like running into a wall.  Like there just WAS no opening.

Now we have penetration, most often, whenever we try it, but it initially hurts, and I can't get comfortable...(we use lots of lube) the thrusting only hurts when the tip of his penis gets close to the entrance of my vagina, or when the base gets close.  but the entire time I feel like I need to STOP AND PEE!  (This is worrying me, because I haven't seen this mentioned with regard to Vaginusmus at all - help me anyone? could this be a different medical problem or is it common in ladies like us?) For up to an hour afterward I continue to feel like I need to pee.  I was bleeding regularly afterward too, but that seems to be tapering off... maybe that isn't related?

I've never felt that sex is the be all and end all in any relationship, but after waiting for two years for each other, it is breaking my heart that we are missing out on this part of our relationship.  My husband is wonderful and sweet and tries to tell me it's not that big of a deal, but I know from things he said before the wedding that this matters to him as much as it matters to me.        

Does anyone think that I am too early in my sexual activity to know if this is vaginismus or if this is just "virgin issues" and I'm being paraniod?  Should we just keep trying and trying?  Could anyone tell me a position that might not hurt as much as missionary?  We tried woman on top but we couldn't get penetration that way. ANY advice would be so welcome...  Smile

Welcome, Carlee

Welcome to the site, Carlee!

It sounds to me like you have vaginismus. It's not the end of the world. It's just something you have to work on.

I think most people feel pretty horrified at first. Or shocked, or stunned.

Yes, having trouble getting tampons out is something that happens to many women with vag! We all understand what you mean. Also the feeling of a wall in your vagina is familiar to lots of us.

Everyone agrees that you should stop having i/c while you are working on getting better from vag. It can make things worse if you keep on having sex even though it hurts. You don't want to create a permanent association between i/c and pain.

The VAN site is full of ideas and suggestions for healing from vag. And they have worked for lots of people.

I wouldn't worry too much about going for a physical right away. Unless your husband has had a lot of sexual partners. Why put yourself through that right now?

Thinking about your experiences while having i/c, it is normal to have a little bleeding at first. (It's also normal to not bleed, in case others are reading this. The last thing we need is to make someone think they're abnormal!) Usually if this happens it's from your hymen pulling apart.

The feeling of needing to pee while having i/c is normal for lots of women, not only women with vag. What happens is, when you have rubbing down there and get more aroused, your paraurethral glands swell up with fluid. It's what they do. When they swell up, they press against some of the same nerves that a full bladder presses against.

Women vary in their level of juiciness. Some people have larger or more developed paraurethral glands and are juicier than others may be. It's a good thing to be juicy. It's a gift. So my suggestion would be to pee before i/c (when you are ready to have it again), put a towel under you while you are having it, and then just let go!

Men get to have a release of all those pent-up, swollen feelings when they have an orgasm, and women deserve to have that same kind of release. When you are feeling that need to pee for an hour after i/c, it means you didn't get that release. Releasing feels really good, so if you've got that gift, why not use it?

On the other hand, don't worry if you try to let go and nothing happens. It can take a while to learn how to let go in that way. Often a woman needs to be really aroused and really relaxed in order to let go. So obviously having vag and being in pain is not relaxing! Usually people work on the vag first and then move on to the sexual awakening stuff.

You're definitely invited to join the private part of the message board, where we talk about the details of treating vag with dilating, physical therapy, etc.


Hi Mercy, and thank you so much for your reply!  

I definitly feel shocked and stunned!  Maybe a bit horrified too... but I will continue to remind myself that it's something one can HEAL from.  I can not figure out why or how I would ever have developed it...  But I DO feel much more positive about things today after having some time to think about it.  

I also found the info about the feelings needing to pee durring i/c VERY interesting!  THANK YOU!  I was worried it was something serious...  

I would love to join the private forum and discuss do I do that?  (I'm afraid I'm a bit new to forums, lol)  

xx Carlee

You are not alone. You're story sounds all too familiar - except we never just got in despite trials - so frustrating and confusing way to start for sure.

Yes it sounds like dilating would be helpful. Perhaps too if he would help with the dilating - make it fun.

HI Annon...

Before my wedding I NEVER DREAMED that there were people out there who were married and not having sex.  (But now i'm one of them!) do you mind if I ask you - (you don't have to answer if it's tooo personal) how you and your husband worked thru it together... so it wasn't a wall between you? It seems like it doesn't matter how sweet he is, I still FEEL like he wants to have sex - which is fair, so do I...   I guess I just feel BAD that he picked me, and that I can't give sex to him... hmmm. that sounds silly... do you know what I mean??

sympathy - but don't lose hope

Hi I'm Melissa
Had vaginismus for 18 years. Finally met the right man, and 9 mths after meeting him (4 mths after moving in together), it worked for us.
It will take time - and definitely don't continue when it hurts - that could reinforce it into a really big problem. Just experiment with other things to continue the sexual part of your relationship, and penetration will folllow eventually - I am sure.
I've still never used a tampon, but can now insert a 20cm long, 4cm diameter dildo in me - my partner was soooo shocked, because for so long, I've been so so so so so closed - exactly as you described - just a wall. He thrust - but there was no opening.

Sometimes I also need to pee - i always make sure I go beforehand.

Definitely agree re the physical. My problems were compounded by multiple attempts at a gyn exam. Don't do it!!!!  Also - you're more advanced than I was - I never ever managed a tampon. I remember a horrible incident in the bathtub - which would have been comic if it had not been so terrible - when I got one in part way and then couldn't get it in - or out - for around 3 hrs.

Lube helps. Closeness helps - which is why its wonderful you're dealing with this with a husband, not a bf.

I find it takes me now - and I've solved the vaginismus problem - around 20-25 minutes of intensive, direct foreplay, before I am so 'begging' (my word, not his) that i find I'm open. Any attempt before then - no way. And it hurt that it retriggers vaginismus.

Don't keep trying and trying. Please don't. I've done that before, and all it does is reinforce the pain. Instead, get closer to your partner in other ways. Understand that it will happen (it will!) and so have patience knowing that this is still just foreplay to the big thing. Have sexual intercourse without penetration (lots of ways). Be sexual, loving, close ... and it will happen.

Best position I found was him lying down, and then me either sitting on him (missionary) or him lying down on bed, feet touching floor (Bent at knees), Me standing on floor, backwards going towards him, lowering myself onto him. Still haven't managed with him on top or him behind in the power positions - but it will happen. But I strongly strongly strongly recomment - take a break from attempting penetration, let it happen eventually , and in the meantime, enjoy the desire and anticipation - it will make it better in the end. Both positions only attempted after significant, long, enduring, direct clitoral foreplay Forum Index -> VAGINISMUS CENTRAL (Public Forum)
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