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jb4224

How do I broach subject? -A boyfriend

Hello,
  I think my girlfriend may be affected by vagnismus and I am not sure what to do.
Here is our story in short:
We met in college. We were both virgins. I was her first boyfriend, she was my second girlfriend. We both kind of naturally take things  very slow. (It is more complicated than this, but I don't want to write pages) So, for example, we did not perform oral sex on each other until probably 2-3 years into the relationship. We first tried to have vaginal sex (we have never tried, nor do either of us have any desire to try anal) about a year and a half ago or more (which, since we have now been dating 5 and half years, would make it about the four year mark). Despite various positions and attempts, I simply could not get it in. We were both quite disappointed and didn't really try anything for sometime. We have tried once since then, in the whereabouts of 10 months ago, with the same results. There has been almost or no sexual contact (or discussion) since.
I love my girlfriend, and we have been through a lot together, but I have never known what to do about this. It is clear we struggle to talk about sexual things with each other (but we certainly have had many a frank conversation in the past) and the longer things go the harder it is to broach the subject.
Several weeks ago, while thinking about our relationship and exploring online, I happened upon the vaginismus awareness network and this website. After reading as much as I could on vaginismus, it would seem to describe my girlfriend (she has seemed to fear the pain, and her fear of pregnancy is one reason we decided to wait for such a long time, for example).
I know you can't really know exactly without knowing lots lots more about our relationship, but any suggestions for bringing up this topic without pressuring her, making her feel guilty, etc.? I am very afraid that I will only make things worse (between us, and for her ability to deal with vagnismus) somehow.
Thank you so much.
admin

Dear JB,
thank you for writing us and for caring for your girlfriend.

Before answering you re. how to broach the subject of vaginismus with her,
there's one question that seems much more important to me.

If after 5 years together you cannot easily start talking about sexual matters and vaginismus (or any other subject),  that would make me wonder why.

I'd first try to understand why you two are still not too comfortable
talking about such issues.

I cannot imagine any reason why it'd be hard to bring up ANY topic with my partner, so I guess before even trying again to have intercourse, you should get to the point where it's super easy to discuss anything.

Anyway, since you asked for practical advice, I'll give you a few ideas

1.   You may email her (if you do usually) about something unrelated to vag.  and then at the end,  quite casually,  send her the link to our website (the page on pregnancy or the home page) telling her how you found it and how maybe that's the reason why you couldn't make it last year.

2.   next time you are intimate in any way, even "just" hugging etc, you may try and find out if she wants to talk about that failed attempt a year ago or so and you may take it from there...

Mind you,  she may try and guess why you were researching this online.
She may feel like you're somehow pressuring her to fix it.
She may not take it well...

That's why I'm saying, if you can't speak openly about this, bringing up the subject as if it was any other subject,  then I'd be careful before doing anything else.


Also, does she seem like she want to talk about it?
The best approach could be that of  asking her if SHE wants to talk about it.   And if she says yes, then you may want to give her our website or tell her what you found etc.

But it sounds like communication right now is more of an issue than vaginismus.  I'd work on that..
But maybe it's cause we don't know the details..

Anyway,

Good luck  and let us know how things go.

Bye

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