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Getting Started...

Hi--Well, it's been a long time since I had my dilators out.  They have been hidden in my close in a black bag and every time I hear the bag crunching, I get sick to my stomach.  I know my Vag is severe - very, but does anyone out there ever THINK about "practicing," only to freak out?  I need to start again.  I need someone with me to talk to me and calm me down.  I don't want my husband there--I don't want it to be sexual.  Any thoughts?  I used to go once a week to someone, but then they'd send me home to practice.  DUH!  That was like handing me a parachute and saying "go home and practice jumping out of a plane.  Come back next week and you'll be closer to overcoming your fear of heights."

I just went through my 2nd round of IUI for a baby (we have one via IVF) and I have to be anesthetised for the simple 15-second insertion of the sperm.  I'm so mortified.  My usual nurse knows all about me.  However, others think I'm wacky, I'm sur e(they say they understand but they don't).  

Do you think sex therapy would help?  I thought that was for people who have addictions.  Can anyone comment?

Please don't tell me to find a quiet place, listen to music and clear my head---I can't even get my pants down, let alone get myself comfortable.  I'm becoming increasingly frustrated.  I'm going to be the oldest virgin on the planet at 42 Sad

Hey there, Yanky.  First of all, I think many, if not most or all, of us have freaked out just at the thought of "practicing."  I remember looking at tampon insertion instructions and wanting to throw up.  So please don't think you're alone there.
Also, liscensed sex therapists can help in all aspects of sexuality, not just sex addicts.  There's a website you can go to that lists liscensed sex therapists and counselors:  Maybe you could see if there are any in your area, then call to see if any have experience with vaginismus or similar issues.  A good therapist or counselor of any kind will listen to your issues and help you with them.  If you can't find a sex therapist right now, even a "regular" therapist might be helpful.  Personally, I find talk therapy very useful.  I was in counseling earlier this year, and it helped me immensely just to keep my stress under control (my vaginismus, my masters thesis, and a big move were all looming at once).  And you've got vaginismus PLUS a child PLUS the stress of getting pregnant in an unconventional way PLUS a husband PLUS a life!  That's a whole lot to handle!  Frankly, it's no wonder you're frustrated.  Take away the vag, and you'd probably still be frustrated.
And finally, I know it's easy to go down the road of "I'll be the world's oldest virgin".  And I know that you probably know that.  And thinking that you shouldn't think it is easier said than done, but the power of positive thought and all that.  I'm just glad you're comfortable enough here to vent and ask for advice.  I think that's often the first step to getting better, asking for help.  So just know that we're all pulling for you.

I don't have a lot of concrete advice in terms of what you should do (and I increasingly dislike saying "should" anyway) but I wanted to offer support.  Like lca says, you are not alone.  We have been there and we are here to listen.  I think for me with any problem, not just vag, simply stating what I'm feeling helps, because articulating my thoughts helps get them out of my head a bit.  So I think posting on this forum is a good first step.

Good luck and try to remember to be kind to yourself...

let's tackle the issue of virginity.

What is your definition of virginity ?
because as some women (and an enlightened man) personally helped me figure out, virginity has a word has no sense at all.

What does it mean to be a virgin  at 42?

does it mean you never felt any sexual feelings ?

Does it mean you never gave yourself pleasure by stimulating
your genitals and other sexual parts of your body?

Does it mean you've never been touched by another human being (man or female) in a sexual way, meaning that they wanted to elicit a sexual response or give you sexual pleasure ?

Does it mean you no longer have a hymen though we know that not every woman even has one ?

Does it mean you never had intercourse (penis in vagina) ?

Does it mean you never had anything (finger, tampon, speculum) inside your vagina ?

What does it mean to you?
Cause you know, a group of women (researchers, feminists, writers etc)  are starting to challenge
this crazy i/c-centered way of talking about sex and about virginity.

I mean, just because a penis hasn't entered your vagina (if that was your definition of virginity anyway) shouldn't and doesn't really mean

You are still a sexual person I'm imagining, you share your bed
with a man and I'm guessing you felt sexual pleasure in your life , whether on your own or through someone's touch,  and therefore, though it may be of no consolation to you, personally
I wouldn't consider yourself a virgin .

I wish you could see virginity through the same lenses.

I have a feeling it'd remove a lot of pressure off you.

Anyway, best of luck handling everything.

I also wonder, would you feel more relieved putting off
trying to have a baby now or putting off dilating ?

Just wondering, no need to reply.
But it sounds like you could do with removing at least some
of the stress right now..

Good luck. Forum Index -> VAGINISMUS CENTRAL (Public Forum)
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